Adulthood On Delay: Why Millennials Are In A Bind

Image by B Rosen (License CC BY-SA 2.0)


Here’s what I want to know – why did talking about the death of the middle and working classes in America make Bernie Sanders a grassroots phenomenon, make Donald Trump president, but make me a ‘whiny entitled fuck that wants a participation trophy?’

The shit affecting Millennials isn’t affecting only us. Nearly two thirds of Americans across the board, have less than $1000 in savings, and are one emergency room trip away from financial ruin. There’s 318.9 million people living in this country. That means 197.7 million people are living in a constant state of financial despair.

While that linked article blames those numbers on our ‘spend first, think later’ culture, and people living beyond their means, which to be fair, is true in some cases – you would think people might look more deeply into such a widespread state of terror than just taking another opportunity to shit on poor people.

It’s almost like hating poor people is a cornerstone of our culture or something.

“And WalMart isn’t the only corporate welfare queen. The fast food industry is costing taxpayers $7 billion a year, with McDonald’s alone taking up a cool billion of that.”

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Will Student Loans Bring Down Our Economy?

America is the only first world country on Earth where you can go so deep into debt getting the education you need to get a job, that you are financially ruined until the day you die. In some cases, even if you die, they’ll still put those loans on whoever co-signed them. That’s what happened to Steve and Darnelle Mason after their 23 year old daughter died tragically in 2014.

Imagine that, your 23 year old daughter dies, and you spend the rest of your life raising her kids, while paying off an education she couldn’t reap the benefits of.

When you Google questions like ‘What Happens To My Student Loans After I Die?’ you can find all kinds of neat life hacks. You can learn how to trick the system so your kids or your spouse don’t get stuck managing your debt if you get hit by a bus, or come down with some kind of treatable illness you can’t afford the meds for.

“In fact, even during the holiday season, which is pretty much consumer whore bacchanalia, as much as a third of shoppers surveyed said they were cutting down on buying shit in the name of Christ, because of their debt.”

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Why Aren’t Millennials Buying (Fill In The Blank)?

Image by Felixtsao (License CC BY-SA 2.0)


I realize, that I, as a young person, am failing miserably for a number of reasons. I’m 24. I have no kids, no husband, no car, no house, no ring. I rent a room in a house. I don’t have any coffee table books or some poor inbred status symbol dog that I yank around on a leash as it gasps for air.

My bad.

In 2016, The Economist (Yeah, a real actual financial publication that’s all intellectual and shit and has actual journalists that work there, allegedly) dared to ask the question that no one else is asking. Because it’s fucking obvious.

They wanted to know, Why Aren’t Millennials Buying Diamonds?

What’s amazing, is watching this pillar of financial savvy totally ignore the financial aspects of this question, and paint millennials as a bunch of bleeding heart hippies. We darn kids are just a thorn in the side of all those conscientious diamond miners whose business models don’t actually include torturing African children or the ravages of war. We are hurting capitalism and need to fall in line.

“So, which is it?

Are we the whiny, entitled, under-achieving, basement-dwelling, scum of the earth? Or are we iced like a generation of sociopathic wedding cakes?”

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When You’re A Good Employee But Your Boss Is A Terrible And Abusive Person

Image by Michael Vadon (License CC BY-SA 4.0)


Before we get into this, I just want to say that if you are a shitty employee, this piece isn’t meant for you. I’m not out here trying to enable anyone. If you show up late constantly, don’t do the work you’re supposed to do, and force everyone around you to pick up your slack, your boss has a right to come down on you like a breeze block of pain.

Your coworkers also probably hate you, even though they won’t tell you to your face. When you thank that one co-worker for covering for you for the 8th time that week, they really want to stab you. Someone should yell at you.

Is Your Boss A Total Dick?

I’m not talking about bosses who are justifiably angry at truly bad employees. This is about bosses who are impossible to predict, impossible to please, cheat you out of pay, set you up to fail, and then punish you for failing. They look for opportunities to humiliate and debase everyone around them and pull horrifying shit regularly.

“In a lot of ways, Donald Trump might represent the revenge a lot of older people want to take on us.”

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