Image by Joella Marano (license CC BY-SA 2.0)
Disclaimer: this is the least ethical and morally disgusting article you will ever read. It’s entertaining, though.
Drug Dealer
We said this piece was going to be nasty, and here’s your evidence. Being a drug dealer is a very easy job. Your product sells itself and the money flows in at a rate of knots. In a previous life, I was a student at a fantastic university in the UK. I was all set to do my dissertation on the growth of the cartels in Mexico, looking at their social norms and how they spend the billions they earn. Then all of my contacts disappeared and it all fell to shit. However, the one thing I learned above all else is that there is a lot of money in being an advanced drug dealer. Maybe we’ll be Nancy Botwin from Weeds, and have the ebb and flow system of money gains and losses. We might be a Pablo Escobar and have to hide money all over the place. Either way, this sounds like a very favorable position.
Me? Well I am both academically and journalistically qualified to discuss this subject. I know that there is no money in dealing weed any more. Hopefully there will be no need for any weed dealers after November 8th 2016. I would deal in powders. High profit. Low risk. In Los Angeles, you could make a million a week dealing to the highest in control of this ungodly county. That’s just the sensible option.
We told you this article wouldn’t be ethical.
Hitman
Not for the faint hearted, this position requires a steady hand and strong mind. The rewards are exceptional though, with the potential for hundreds of thousands of dollars per hit. Just one or two hits per year could see you living in a beautiful home, doing your weekly shopping at Whole Foods, and living in comfortable luxury, all for the price of murder. I mean, who doesn’t want to be James Bond? Sure, you could go the other way and end up like Mike from Breaking Bad/Better Call Saul fame, but let’s not think about that. The ideal hitman scenario is having loads of money, foreign travel, and maybe one or two days of work a week. You could also do some recreational assassin-ing when people piss you off. How great is that?!
“Imagine getting paid for vengeance”
Scam Artist
Weirdly, this came up over dinner last night. All you would have to do is design a fairly standard invoice. Put a set amount on the various different papers, charging for services provided. Maybe it’ll be something like “trash collection” or “catering.” These are the sorts of jobs people don’t pay attention to. When you walk into the break room in the morning, do you ever see the person delivering the food? Nope. Do you know who takes out the trash at your office? Nope. Putting in monthly sums like $500 here and there, you could quite easily reap the rewards. All you’d need is one hungover or lazy or useless or distracted accountant and BOOM, show me the money! Not a bad idea, huh? This can all be done from the comfort of your own home.
Fixer
Any excuse to carry around a baseball bat in your trunk is worth being on this list. Ray Donovan is my favorite example of this wondrous concept, though his personal life stuff is less than attractive. In an ideal world, you’d be a solo act. Say your friend got into some trouble and now someone is making their life hard. That someone needs to be taught a lesson. Your friend is not to be fucked with. So, what do you do?
Key their car?
Steal their dog?
Set fire to one or more of their belongings?
Show up at their work and scare the crap out of them?
Everyone has that one person, whether it be from work or home or high school, whom they would LOVE to do this to. Who is yours?
Think of the last time someone you love was wronged by another human. Didn’t it send the chill of rage down your spine? Imagine getting paid for vengeance. It’s a sickeningly sweet thought, and definitely needs a face like Liev Schreiber’s to pull it off.
Embezzler
The least glamorous of the list, many studies have found that most individuals can embezzle $800,000 without being caught. Apparently, your average embezzler is a woman in a dowdy office job, often doing book-keeping, in her mid-40s. This woman has a 401k, health benefits, paid vacation, and thousands of dollars of stolen money. How these people actually do the embezzling is beyond my mathematical knowledge, but retiring at 50 sounds pretty sweet to me.
Imagine wearing nothing but beige to work. Most of the staff will small-talk with you, but they’re not your friends. On your lunch break you tell everyone you’re popping to the cafe on the corner, but you actually go to a restaurant and order whatever you want. In the evening you drive your new car home. You got a “great deal on it” because your “spouse knows the owners of the dealership”. In reality, you’re unmarried, booking a five-star hotel from the comfort of your king-size tub for your two-week vacation this year. Once you’ve made enough, bye-bye job. Hello life doing whatever the hell you want.
Kay Smythe, The British Bitch in America.
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