As you may or may not know, I am British. Therefore, my American readers, I am better at drinking than you. Given, I used to be able to sink eight pints on a Sunday afternoon, and now I’m lucky if I can walk home after four, but that’s not the point. I am still better than you at drinking. Fact.
That is why, in a recent formal employment (which was TERRIBLE!) I decided to develop The Underemployed Drinking Game. It’s a simple game, built from hours of passive-aggressive conversation, over-time without pay, and a fairly anti-Semitic boss.
Although the entire premise has been developed as somewhat tongue-in-cheek, if you do intend to play this game, then I seriously suggest setting yourself up with a back-up plan for once you get fired. Other than that, get yourself a designated driver, and enjoy!
SHOTS
Personally, I hate shots. Even the thought of chugging a Jager bomb like I used to during high school makes me feel queasy. However, I appreciate that the best drinking games need to start small. The only way to do this is through shots. So grab your novelty shot glass from Las Vegas, Ibiza, or Tiger Tiger, and pick out your best least vomit-inducing hard liquor!
Take a shot every time… (and be honest!)
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- your boss walks past your office and slows down just enough to check to see if you’re all working
- you receive a redundant work email that doesn’t do anything to help your day, nor adds any value to your life
- someone sends an email that has nothing to do with you, but you’re CC’d in
- the boss complains about something redundant, like the office being the wrong temperature
- a co-worker says they’re going to the restroom just to have something to do
- you make eye contact with your desk-mate and feel dead inside
- someone vocally contemplates suicide
- you mutter a curse word under your breath
- you take out your phone and check Instagram instead of working
- the boss says he/she is doing something important
- the boss thinks he/she has a great idea
- the clock reads 4:30pm for hours on end
- you’d rather be unemployed watching Netflix
- a car alarm goes off outside, and you hope that the world is ending
- you pray for any of the following: earthquake, volcanic eruption, enemy insurgence, Day After Tomorrow-style end of the world…
MIXERS
Whether it’s a gin n’ tonic, or a Jack n’ Coke, or my personal favorite – Pimms and lemonade and fresh fruit, because I am the quintessential upper middle-class Brit – the thought of chugging down a mixer is not what most people imagine when they find themselves in the midst of a drinking game… but this is your employment. You hate it, don’t you? So prove how much you hate it by poisoning your body and doing serious, irreversible damage.
Chug ALL of your chosen mixer every time…
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- you’re called to a meeting that could have been an email
- you’re called to a meeting that takes an hour, but should have taken ten minutes
- you’re called to a meeting that takes up so much time that you forget that you’re not in a dream, are rudely awaken from your daze by a question you can’t answer… because you weren’t listening
- you’re asked to stay late in order to finish a project that could easily be done from home
- someone convinces themselves they’re going to quit
- that same person doesn’t quit
- your boss repeats himself/herself
- your manager/boss tells you a story with a moral that relates to hard work
- you receive a passive-aggressive talking to from your manager for a task that means nothing to you, but everything to them
BEER
This is an easy one. Drink a beer every time you…
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- finish work and get into your car
- get out of your car and into your house
- cook your evening meal and try to block out the events of your day
- lie in the bath trying to relax
- watch television for escapism
- go to bed (instead of milk)
- finish work and get into your car
On a more serious note, if you do think your job is making you drink, you should probably see a professional. You could also head over to my list of life changing books. This game is all in jest, and definitely not something that should be taken too seriously (unless you’re British or Australian, in which case you should film you and your friends playing and send it to us here at The Underemployed Life!).
Kay Smythe, The British Bitch in America.
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