Image by Lloyd Morgan (license CC BY-SA 2.0)
For the past month, I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night with a single number on my mind- 42,320. When I close my eyes and brace for the sweet release of dream land, that number continues to haunt the happiest places of my mind.
I’m standing on a stage next to my rock and roll heroes, Green Day. We’re launching into a cheerful, but foreboding rendition of their new single, “Bang Bang;” a song that darkly enters the world of mass shootings, pop culture, and social media.
I had assumed the role of rhythm guitarist to back up lead singer, Billie Joe Armstrong-A man who I consider to be the coolest guy on the planet. Suddenly, a sign starts flashing in the back of the arena. The crowd and the music cease to exist. The sign is a neon marquee with the number 42,320 flashing in red. A guard gets on the stage, rips my cherry red Stratocaster out of my hands, and throws me to the floor. I’m handcuffed and escorted off the arena stage, Billie Joe and the band screaming, “Hey! Bring her back!” It was the police coming to arrest me for not paying back my student loans.
“We encourage kids to go to college, but is that the correct decision, financially speaking?”
I woke up in a cold sweat and reached for my water bottle on the night stand. “Oh shit,” I thought, resting my arms above my head, “I gotta check on the status of my student loans.”
Cold sweats and nightmares- How did it get to this? Quickly and unexpectedly is the answer. When I was a sophomore in high school, my dad lost his job. I knew I would have to either get student loans or give up on my future. I had a golf scholarship, but it wasn’t enough to pay for the private school that offered it to me. So I went to Ohio University, finagling my way through the FAFSA (Federal Application for Student Aid) to pay for my degree.
My student debt, like many others, has put a damper on my life. It hangs above me every day when I get up in the morning. It’s the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep.
I’m drafting an e-mail to the Federal Student Aid office. On the website, they say the e-mail address I have should connect me with someone who can get me another deferment. I’ve deferred my student loans three times since graduation. I simply couldn’t feed myself, and feed the government at the same time.
Student debt makes you think things like, “Man, I shouldn’t have wasted all that time at school,” and “I wonder what would have happened to me if I had just dropped out.”
42,320-That number makes me question my life path, and everything I’ve ever known.
We encourage kids to go to college, but is that the correct decision, financially speaking? How can you start your life nearly 50K in the red and still succeed? Steve Jobs didn’t go to college, and he changed the world, right?
Hanging a financial hole over your head isn’t the way to do it. Lately, kids are deciding to say “fuck school,” and forgo their degrees, and at times their dreams, because being in debt until you’re 40 doesn’t seem that appealing.
Once upon a time, you could graduate, get a job, buy a house, and have a nice little life. But today, there’s no job, the houses are too expensive, and even the most hardworking people feel the existential dread of their “number” holding them hostage. As recently as 2011, 45 percent
of people who graduated were living at home with their parents.
Dear FSA, or wherever this gets forwarded to:
My name is Tess Stevens, and I’ve been trying to resolve my deferment for upwards of six months. I understand there is a 6 to 8 week waiting period for confirmations, but it’s been much longer than that. I’m thinking either I did something wrong or maybe my case was lost? Anyway, I’m hoping you could help me out.
Like many people my age, cash is not readily available. I’m currently working three jobs, and can barely pay my rent. I understand this is my fault and my responsibility, but I was wondering if there was a way to forgive some of my loans or get them deferred (with interest of course) for another year? I believe by then I’ll be financially stable enough to start making regular payments.
Conversely, I would be willing to show you my financial statements, attach my employment records, and get a reference from my employer for proof of income. I would love to start paying my loans back now, but I fear I’d be homeless if I put more than 20 dollars a month towards the debt. Let me know if we can work out a payment plan or a bulk payment that can bring the total down little by little. I am extremely thankful for my education, and understand the debts must be paid.
I hope this process doesn’t make the number go up. I’m putting money away, and even forgoing basic needs so I can try to lessen my student loan debt. I know you’re not the person that can change this, but should things like this be so hard? Should there be two months of turnaround time? Should people go to school? Should I have gone to school?
I know you can’t answer, but I’ve tried to figure this out on my own. Maybe you can at least help me consolidate the loans so I can make steady payments, and give myself some peace of mind.
Thanks for helping out. I look forward to your response.
Tess
I close up my laptop and decide I’d rather think about my dream of being on stage with my favorite band. The guitars amp up and I’m a rock star again. I feel good. I can do whatever I want. This is my real dream. My American dream. Nothing can stand in my way. I float back into the rock and roll scene, and breathe easy, drifting off to sleep.
The sign in the back of the arena is still there: 42,320. 42,320. 42,320. Like millions of other recent grads, I will rise in the morning and do my best to put the thought out of my mind. But still, the thought of forever debt consumes, and not even the chorus of “Bang Bang” can drown it out.
Tess F. Stevens is a young writer and musician based in the Bay Area. She operates on gin and tonics, indie rock and Gonzo Journalism ideals. Her writing has stunned millions on different platforms including online publications and print. She also loves baseball, makes rock music, paints and practices her craft on her 1960’s era Royal typewriter.
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