Picture by Joe The Goat Farmer, CC BY-SA 2.0
So what are Real Job Cover Letters, and why do we feature them on The Underemployed Life? Fair question. We’re going to try to answer it as best we can.
The Real Job Cover Letters section of the website may seem a strange fit for a site that’s serious about discussing underemployment. Some people think these letters are funny, some find them stupid, and some don’t know what to make of them. We get it. There isn’t much context to that section, so this post attempts to clarify why we include them here.
The primary reason they’re included is, this site wouldn’t exist without them. Let me explain why. Way before the site was created or even a thought, I was unemployed for the first time in nearly two decades. I was new to job hunting in the 21st century. I thought my resume, accompanied by an excellent cover letter, would land me some interviews. I was wrong.
In an effort to attract more attention, I toyed around with my cover letters, highlighting my education and skills. I still didn’t get many interviews, and realized my resume, cover letters, or anything else I tried, had little impact.
“There’s a degree of personal pain, hopelessness, and anger that underscores a large swath of my cover letters. There’s a stress and heaviness to being unemployed. It’s real, and it’s tough to cope with if the job search goes on too long.”
Occasionally, I would get an interview. However, the employers who were scheduling interviews with me, usually weren’t being straight about the job I applied for, or their company. I had many interviews where the hiring manager was simply a person telling me about the job I already had, if I wanted it.
There were plenty of jobs I thought had potential after reading the ad’s description. Job postings with headlines like, Earn a $1,000 a Day Plus Base Salary and Benefits sound pretty good. At least worth checking out. Unfortunately, I found out all these jobs were terrible. Many disreputable companies are desperate to get warm bodies in their fold. They realize most people won’t question a job too much if they think it has the promise of good pay.
I saw countless ads with bogus claims about the job being advertised. This is where the idea of the real job cover letters originated. Out of months of frustration with the job searching process, I started writing cover letters for jobs I didn’t want. I usually put a fake name as the sender. Sometimes I wouldn’t bother to add a name at all.
My intention with these letters was solely to make myself laugh, and to give a little payback for all the misery I put up with as a job seeker. They were written out of contempt for the process of job searching in the 21st century. I was over it, and angry. My future felt bleak, and there was little to hang my hopes on when I looked through the day’s ads.
There’s a degree of personal pain, hopelessness, and anger that underscores a large swath of my cover letters. There’s a stress and heaviness to being unemployed. It’s real, and it’s tough to cope with if the job search goes on too long. Anyone who’s looked for a job in the past several years, and has used the countless online websites available, know it’s an endless slog. It’s dispiriting, can feel humiliating, and is terrible for the spirit. Because of all that, it was cathartic writing these screwy letters.
Looking for work is a burden. It’s that simple. Writing the cover letters lifted that burden. It was also a way to reverse the power of the employer/employee relationship. These letters didn’t exactly even the score, but I had a lot of fun imagining the person on the other end who had to read whatever lunacy I wrote that day.
I wrote some of the most ridiculous stuff I’ve ever written, and I sent it to people who were used to reading emails from people pleading for work. I can’t quite articulate how wonderful it felt sending these cover letters. It was liberating, and weirdly empowering. It reduced a lot of the depression I felt after spending a few minutes scrolling through job ads.
All these letters were sent without ever thinking they would be seen by anyone but me, and a few friends. Writing them was a natural process that never included the idea of releasing them publicly. Only after encouragement from people I shared them with, did I decide to put them on the site. I think they serve a purpose. I want to make sure there is some light and humor here. I didn’t want the site to be a slog. The aim is to discuss underemployment, and find solutions; not drown in the misery of it. I’ll now leave with you one of the best email chains ever. Enjoy.
This letter was sent the day there were massive fires around San Diego County. The ad itself promised all sorts of easy commission for energetic sales people. Occasionally, I would throw in a curse word in the middle of what seemed like a professional letter just to see how desperate they were for candidates for the job.
Insurance Agent — 100-200K
To:craigslist 5004889444 <c8nvf-5004889444@job.craigslist.org>
I have a lot of experience closing deals through cold calling and utilizing a database of local businesses. I’m a fucking closer. Plain and simple. I was one of the top salespeople at Verizon Wireless Corporate Accounts Division and won the Century Mark Award selling insurance for State Farm. I am available to interview now, and look forward to hearing back from you.
Carter Milstub
To: job applicant: craigslist 5004889444 <c8nvf-5004889444@job.craigslist.org>
Carter,
Are you available on Thursday for an in person interview — I am very interested in speaking with you, I need a strong team player who can close.
Email back your phone number, and what area in SD you are located in —
and I will call you this morning after 11:00, I have a 10:00 meeting that is just starting………….. I can meet you on Thursday near where you live, or you can come to the office around 1:00 PM —
Thanks,
Fred
To:craigslist 5004889444 <c8nvf-5004889444@job.craigslist.org>
I just got a call for an interview with Geico, but I think I’ll be available from 2-5. I’m really fucking excited to talk to you. I love outside sales. It’s really the one job where if you excel you can make a shitload of money for yourself and the company. I’m in Rancho Santa Fe. My phone number is 555-555-5582. If you can pinpoint a time you can call, I’ll free myself up.
Carter Milstub
To: job applicant: craigslist 5004889444 <c8nvf-5004889444@job.craigslist.org>
I will call exactly at 11:00 AM this morning. You sound too talented for Geico, let’s discuss the big deals available out there which sound like your target market.
–Fred
To:craigslist 5004889444 <c8nvf-5004889444@job.craigslist.org>
Thanks Fred. I’m not available until 2 at the earliest. I would cancel with Geico, but I already committed, and it’s bad form. I’m good at what I do because I have fucking ethics and don’t tolerate bullshit. My clients know I’ll go to bat for them. Let me know if 2pm works.
Carter Milstub
To: job applicant: craigslist 5004889444 <c8nvf-5004889444@job.craigslist.org>
Hi — Just read your email, its 11:00 — yes, go to Geico I agree. I can call you at 2:00, but I would like to meet you in person Thurs. I will be in the N. County around 11:00 on Thursday, I could meet you at a Starbucks ? If you are interested in building over the next year to two years, into the 200K to 500K yearly income bracket, I need strong closers. This takes time obviously, but the N. County is a tremendous untapped market for our products.
Let me know what you want to do.
Fred
To:craigslist 5004889444 <c8nvf-5004889444@job.craigslist.org>
Wow- that was a waste of my fucking time. Brutal. Just brutal. Geico is looking for meatheads who don’t know jack shit about the business. Fuck that shit. I’m sorry I went now. I have too much experience and knowledge to waste it with an organization that isn’t on top of it.
200 to 500k is exactly the kind of money I expect to make as a number one closer. Where in North County you will be? I’ll be available tomorrow, and free to talk to today at 3pm if you want. I’m excited to hear more about the job, and feel this might be the perfect fit for me.
Carter Milstub
When I didn’t hear back in a timely manner from Fred, I figured he had enough.
To:craigslist 5004889444 <c8nvf-5004889444@job.craigslist.org>
Fred, I have not heard back from you. I would still like to meet. I am free all day today and tomorrow. Let me know.
Carter Milstub
To: job applicant: craigslist 5004889444 <c8nvf-5004889444@job.craigslist.org>
Let me call you in a hour, fires causing an issue.
Sent from my iPhone