For the past few weeks I’d sit in my car until 7:59am. Whether I arrived in the parking lot at 7:30, 7:43 or 7:58, I’d sit. Colleagues and strangers alike walked by with lunch bags or phones in hand, trying to beat their boss into work. I on the other hand was praying for salvation.
I no longer cared about my job.
After three years, it had become just that—a job. I worked in the Registrar’s Office at a well known university. It paid my bills.
Every day, I input data, answered emails, talked on the phone, attended meetings, held trainings, and listened to hour-long discussions about reality TV. I hid my face behind an oversized computer monitor in hopes no one would see me. Ever. I wasn’t the person I was supposed to be. My insides were in excruciating pain from lack of artistic expression and fulfillment. My job wasn’t my career, and all day long I asked a question; why am I here?
Until I looked at the yellow Post-It slapped on my overhead bin.
I Am a Writer.
And that, contrary to the duties I carried out daily, was true as hell.
I just needed to cancel out the noise in my head, live my life, and make magic happen.
“I was too busy staring at other people who were overachieving. I had to snap out of my obsessive gazing. I was not, and would never be, them.”
Go Ahead, Risk It
I HATE public speaking and often make trips to the porcelain bowl before any presentation, book reading, or date. Always before a date. I hate leaving my comfort zone. Period.
Over time I’ve watched people in my inner circle or even distant Facebook friends do things I dared never do. They up and quit their jobs, started small businesses, moved across the country or went skydiving.
They took risks. They lived and didn’t die from living. They turned what I deemed the unthinkable, into the absolutely doable.
I’ve learned the hard way; when you’re busy sticking with routines and “the known,” you miss out on possibilities. I actually gave up my life as a sportswriter because I was too scared to ask questions in the locker room. Don’t ask how I thought I was going to write an article without any quotes. I dismissed my own potential. Basically, I’ve been screwing myself over for far too long.
So, I’ve recently started to give life a chance, because it’s actually easier to take a risk on my own dreams, than watch others succeed doing what I wish I had the nerve to do.
Get Out of the Two-Way Mirror
The biggest reason I grew dissatisfied with my life; I was too busy staring at other people who were overachieving. I had to snap out of my obsessive gazing. I was not, and would never be, them.
I have two best friends. One is ruling the world as a mom, wife, and real estate agent. Her commission checks are more than my mortgage and car note combined. The other is a super dedicated high school English teacher who left her bachelorette pad for a job in New Jersey. These friends, who I often envied, kept me grounded throughout my 20s as I went through a woe is me, why do I still live at home with my parents, why won’t anyone hire me stage. They echoed the saying, “Just because you took longer than others, doesn’t mean you failed.”
No lies there.
I had to accept where I was in life. I had to refocus my vision on where I was going, and who was going to help me get there. I’ve made friends and mentors (in real life) who truly care about my sanity and success. They answer my punctuation-free emails and text messages about the pros and cons of freelancing, business owning, working for the man, and not throwing your laptop out the window. They’ve helped. Their words helped. Yes, I’ve taken a few detours in life, but I haven’t run into any dead ends.
Validate Your Own Parking
I have two degrees, a condo, and a self-published book. I’ve been working in Higher Ed. since 2004. Ever since I could hold a pencil, I’ve been a writer. Yet, I’ve opened more rejection emails from literary publications in one year than I care to admit. Each one crushed my soul. After deleting or archiving them, I asked myself the same question: why wasn’t I good enough? Until I Googled myself because, well, Google knows all. It was there on the computer screen I saw some of the ways in which I’ve presented myself to the world. Every story written and published meant something. I was pretty awesome. I was a writer on a mission.
Don’t Stop. Get It, Get It
If you’re like me, working a day job outside of your passion, here’s my best advice; don’t look at it as a setback, but as a resource. I use my job to my advantage. I’m a writer working an office job. I have three of the greatest tools within my reach on a daily basis.
1.) A computer
2.) Real-life situations
3.) Time
I have no excuses not to write. I channel my idle time pursuing my craft. This essay you’re reading was written on the clock. While everyone is fixing their third cup of coffee, talking about last night’s reunion show or shopping for a winter coat, I’m writing away. My boss probably thinks I’m typing a detailed response to an email.
Quieting the noise in my head has taken work. It’s also taken a serious attitude and mental adjustment. The goal is to never lose sight of who I am. Ever. And if the environment I’m currently in drives me to the edge of filing unemployment, I’ll just take a bathroom break and sit next to Bugs Bunny on the toilet. Bugs can get me through anything. Watch and see.
Adina Ferguson is a writer from Washington, DC. She likes naps, chocolate, books, 90s R&B and fuzzy socks. She is the author of the memoir collection, I Don’t Want to be Your Bridesmaid. She’s still single and hasn’t been asked to be in a wedding since the book’s release.
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Or on the couch watching Good Times reruns