To:craigslist 5004889444 <firstname.lastname@example.org>
I think it’s only the right thing to do to let you know I have a rather large penis. I have trouble finding pants that hide its contours, and people often mistake my normal penis size for a throbbing erection. This obviously causes problems in that I don’t in fact have an erection most times. And trust me, you don’t want to see me at erection size. It’s like carrying a spare tire in my pants, but a good spare tire. A thick meaty one. Not one of those skinny ones that barely gets you there. You know what I mean. Anyway, the real reason I bring it up is that in tight spaces, I may lightly brush up against a co-worker or customer, and even though it does give me some amount of physical tactile pleasure, it doesn’t usually result in erectile growth. However, it can result in a slight tingling which sometimes lead to the start of an erection. This will look like those old firework snakes that start rather small but when lit get progressively bigger. It’s fun to watch. I actually have used the novelty as a party trick. However, and I think you’ll agree, it is not appropriate to do that purposely at the work place, and I never intend to. Anyway, I bring it up, not because I like to talk about my girthy and rather elongated normal penis size, but because I simply value peace at work, and don’t want any jealous co-workers to make things difficult for me. So, sorry for the rather long explanation, but I like to get it out of the way. What can I say, I have a big penis. It is a spectacle to see, but trust me, it’s no picnic when you get open mouthed stares like I get when I go to the urinal at sporting events. So I look forward to interviewing with your company. God bless.
*Getting a hiring manager to notice your cover requires skill and ingenuity. That’s why you should throw in a curse word occasionally. It keeps your letter lively, and separates you from the rest of the pack as an outside the box kind of thinker.*