Interviewing for a job can bring up intense fears and anxiety. You worry about what to wear. What to say. Is my resume up to snuff? Do I make eye contact? How direct should I be? What about my handshake? How hard? How firm? How long? Wait…what are we talking about? Oh yeah, calming your throbbing panic from becoming engorged with stress. Anyway, the tension can be so all consuming, it’s no wonder most people say fuck it, and just stay at a job they hate.
If you’re someone who wilts at the thought of interviewing for a new job, I have some excellent tips for you. I’ve been on both sides of the interview desk, so I know what hiring managers are looking for, and I also know the fears that interviewees go through. Some of my tips may seem cheeky or cynical, because they are. They also work.
“Cold calling is like a loud dog whistle for humans. It lets other people know you really really fucked up in life.”
The first key to a giving a good interview-Never betray your real thoughts. Ever. Keep an even keel emotionally. Many interviewers are put off by “emotions” that might reveal someone who “feels things” and is “human.” I’ll give you an example. I applied for a job selling solar to homeowners. My interview was with a reputable company, and they offered qualified leads instead of cold calling.
I hate cold calling with a fiery passion. Cold calling is like a loud dog whistle for humans. It lets other people know you really really fucked up in life. Everything was going fine in the interview. They appreciated my personality, liked my attitude, and nodded approvingly at my answers. Then they told me I’d be responsible for creating a pipeline of my own customers. That was coded language for cold calling. I froze, and they saw my insides go “Oh shit.” I told them it wasn’t my ideal way to sell, but if they trained me, I would excel at it. Unsurprisingly, they didn’t hire me, and it was because I told them my real thoughts. They wanted a super enthusiastic guy who couldn’t wait to dial random numbers, and get rejected several hours a day. That wasn’t me.
What I learned from that solar interview and others like it, was this-Always agree and be enthusiastic-No matter what they say. Here are some quick examples of what I mean.
“I may have to work ten days in a row occasionally? I love it. Can we make it eleven? Sleep is dumb.”
“Every other Sunday there’s a mandatory 7am meeting? Ooh, can I bring snacks for everyone?”
“Kill a hobo to prove my loyalty? I’ll bring you two.”
Another solid tip-If you’re attempting to move into a new career, the interviewer will usually ask, why the change. The thing about working in the same industry for a long time; people like to pigeonhole you. You may think you’d be a natural for something in banking or advertising or marketing. Well, those in the industry think you suck. They despise you, and want you to stay in your own lane. How dare you branch out. Hmmph!
This was never more evident than when I interviewed for an opening with The Auto Club selling insurance. Previously, I’d worked 15 years in the wireless industry. I heard Auto Club insurance agents could make over 100 grand a year. I applied, and got an interview. When I was brought into the interview I was greeted by two suits who had chunky, enormous, meatnecks. Big ol slabs of beef in their necks they had. When you’re staring down two meatnecks, you know the interview is for keeps.
They looked me over like I was a new chew toy. I felt pretty confident since I had a friend who worked there, and they liked him. However, they had necks made out of meat, so that really took me out of my comfort zone. They kept asking me why I didn’t just apply with another wireless carrier. I told them I was burnt out selling phones, and craved new challenges. They shook their heads side to side. Again, they asked if I wouldn’t be happier working in wireless since that’s where I had success. Again, I told them I needed something different. Then they farted. I’m kidding. I farted. A little squeaker. No, that didn’t happen either. Neither did getting that job. Which was too bad, I would have liked to ask them how they kept their necks looking so thick and full of meat.
I’ve saved the best tip for last, and maybe the only one you really need to know. That tip is this; lie. Lie through your teeth. Lie like the wind. Lie, lie, lie. I know how terrible that sounds. But here’s the thing-Lying works. It works because the truth is often uncomfortable. There are questions you may be asked in an interview where the truthful response would get you knocked out of the running immediately.
Many people hedge or ruminate on difficult questions when a lot is at stake. Not me. Not anymore. I lost promotions and jobs thinking candor was appreciated. It really isn’t, and realizing that took the pressure off. When I recently interviewed for a job selling mattresses, they asked me why I wanted to work there. Do you think I told them the truth? That I heard the job was great for lazy, unambitious people who gave up on their dreams? No. I lied and told them I was excited about selling mattresses, and couldn’t wait to educate people on the benefits of a good night sleep. Yay mattresses!! I got the job.
Now I realize and understand a lot of people don’t feel comfortable with lying. I get that, and can appreciate it. However, interviews are surreal, inorganic, uncomfortable situations. You have one or more people judging you, and no real idea what they’re looking for. You have questions yourself that are hard to ask without offending,(Try asking about raises or paid time off and see how that goes) and the mind is whirling in a million directions even before you step into the interview.
Ending on a positive note, I want to let you know one fact that gets lost amidst the worrying of job candidates-Hiring managers want you to be the right person. The process of interviewing candidate after candidate is draining. The person on the other side of the desk is hoping they can hire you. It means their tedious search is finally over, and they can now resume fantasizing about leaving for a better company. So take comfort in that knowledge, and get out there and kick that interview’s ass.