Getting Along With Your New Robot Co-workers: A Guide

 

Most people like consistency and routine. It gives them a sense of stability. However, things are  rapidly changing in the world, and as society evolves, so does the workplace. If there’s one thing you can be assured of in the future, it’s this-You will be working with robots. You may not like it. You may not want to. But be assured….you will.

You see, slowly, but steadily, robots have been encroaching on jobs formerly reserved for human beings. Robots can now be found working as waiters, retail associates, and even as surgeons. Due to major advances in technology, it won’t be long before these highly intelligent robots are ready to come en masse into your workplace.

Here at The Underemployed Life, we were lucky enough to get a sneak peek at the training these robots are getting in order to work productively among humans. Yes, we know what’s in store for you, and this guide will be the first in a series of articles giving you insight, strategy, and really super terrific advice on how to treat, befriend, and understand your robot worker pals.

Our first article is for those of you working in an office. Large swaths of people across the country work in offices. From Human Resources, to I.T., to Customer Service, if you’re staring at a cubicle wall, and often daydream of driving a monster truck through the first floor of your building, then you probably work in an office.

Now, before we start, you need to know this: Our guide is meant as a tutorial of sorts. Though it’s filled with wonderful information sure to make working with robots easier, the author also wishes to let the readers know he is in no way responsible if any of the following advice leads to your death. OK, lets get started.

The Beginning Of Your Day

So, it’s a fact- You may soon have the cubicle next to Grig950X95T84K985OK5T4 or Grig, for short. Let’s start with the morning. If you’re like most people, you probably get to work and are still in a haze, trying to get your brain up to speed. Unfortunately, once you walk through the front door of your office, you’re forced to participate in all sorts of stupid small talk as you get coffee, boot up the computer, and start your busy day.

No one likes small talk or wants to do it, but it’s a social nicety we all agree to participate in. I mean, what are you gonna do, say, “Look Bob, I’m dealing with a major hangover, so can you please shut the fuck up you stupid dick” No, we all play nicely. With your robot coworkers though, there’s no need to put on a show.

Robots don’t have feelings. Despite what you may see on TV or movies, they are truly dead inside, just like you after that last devastating break up you suffered. You know the one. It’ll be ok, we promise. In any event, no robot feelings means you don’t have to pretend to care about them, and even better, they don’t have to  pretend to care about you. So when you get to work in the morning, a normal interaction with your robot co-worker should look like this.

You: Good morning Grig.
Grig: S’up.

Grig may be programmed to interact with humans, but he doesn’t need the bullshit of morning chit chat either. That is a win win in our book.

Mid Day

Next up, lunch. Though your robot peers aren’t ever technically hungry, you may find yourself working with some advanced robots that can replicate the act of eating. If you do, the best way to handle lunch is the following.

Grig: Hey human, what you got planned for lunch?
You: Nothing. I might go to the deli.
Grig: The deli? How’s the roast beef there?
You: Surprisingly lean and tasty.
Grig: Could you pick me up a roast beef and some chips with a small Pepsi?
You: (angrily) Yeah, sure. Great.

See, that is reassuringly just like a normal human interaction. So in some ways you won’t be adapting to anything you aren’t already familiar with. Also, like a normal human interaction, Grig will stiff you when it come time to pay for his lunch.

Hot Tip*

Don’t kick the vending machines in your break room if they don’t dispense the item you paid for. Vending machines-Those seemingly inanimate objects, are like ancestral cavemen to today’s robots. So kicking the vending machine is like kicking a robot’s grandpa. An old musty grandpa filled with delicious snacks, that is, unless they’re also stocked with oranges-fuck you vending machine, no one wants your orange! Also, trying to get free snacks by putting your hand up as far as it will go in the push tray is like sexual assault to them, so stop it Alan.

Pranks

We all love a little office hijinks, right? Whether it’s substituting dirt for coffee grounds in the coffee maker, stealing your co-workers marked lunch, or simply sneaking on to someone elses laptop when they forget to lock it, and making Ilovehotlittleboys.com the homepage, the office prank is a time tested avenue for lifting office morale. It makes the day go by quicker, and as long as nobody gets hurt, or hey, even if they do, fun is had by all.

Though your robot co-worker may not feel joy, boredom or, happiness, they can certainly appreciate a good prank. Be careful what the prank is though.

Sean: Hey Grig, want to join us in an office prank?
Grig: Office prank? Sure, what’s the prank?
Sean: We’re going to pretend the office is closing down and we’re all getting fired.
Grig: But the office really is closing down Sean. They just updated my mainframe. I’m hightailing it to the Northridge branch next week.
Sean: What the fuck?

So, again, be careful, your robot peer may have information that will absolutely crush your sense of well being, and that’s not much fun if you’re trying to go full-blown prankers.

Friendship

When you work with others humans, you slowly get to know their quirks, hangups, and personal lives. Sometimes, co-workers even hook up. Can you hook up with your robot co-worker? Good question Gayle. You know what Gayle, you can’t, but if you bathed once in a while and shaved your noticeable chin stubble, maybe you’d have better romantic luck. Just my two cents. O.K., moving on.

Your robot co-workers may not fan the flames of passion, but they do have their own personal identities meant to make it easier to work with them. The good thing is, they’re robots, so you can blow them off like a champ.

Grig- Hey Sean, you want to hear about my weekend?
Sean: No, fuck off Grig.
Grig: Okay.

See, it’s that easy, and fun. The best part-no guilt. They’re robots, you can emotionally and ruthlessly abuse them, and it’s totally cool. Just another day in the office when you work with robots.

No Romance=No Problem

Today’s robot workers are sophisticated, together, and looking good. They have panache and savoir faire. They don’t look like some jagoffs who were just picked up off the street and put to work in your office. No, a lot of time and attention went in to their creation. They’re packing heat, and dying to show it off.

Obviously, your robot coworker has nowhere specifically to go. As we discussed earlier, they have no romantic entanglements. So invite them out for dinner, take them to a movie, or even go to the opera. For nights out on the town, your robot coworker comes complete with a dazzling wardrobe to match any occasion. Hey, why not make plans at that new nightclub that just opened up. You know the one. The one where all the young coeds go who are away from home for the first time, and are discovering their sexuality. It would be unseemly to show up alone. Instead, take a robot. That won’t be sad at all.

Your Secrets

Having a confidante at work is important. Sometimes you need to let off a little steam and vent about the place you work for. When you work with robots though, you need to understand, they don’t know what venting is. They also record every interaction (Fucking snitches), so though your robots are built to replicate a lot of normal human behaviors, including inspiring your confidence in them, they are dirty little weasels, and awful bastards who will fuck your shit up.

Sean: Hey Grig, remember last week when I told you I wasn’t really sick when I called in sick?
Grig- Yes Sean. You asked me not to tell anyone.
Sean: Right, and you said you wouldn’t, but then HR called me in and told me you went to them right after our call and spilled the beans. 
Grig- Yes Sean, I lied. I’m programmed to backstab my co-workers at every opportunity- just like real human co-workers. My apologies. It won’t happen again.
Sean: Good, because I plan on calling out sick tomorrow. I’m going to the football game.
Grig- Our secret. (Makes closing an open mouth with a zipper move)

So what did we learn there? Well, Sean is trusting, and somewhat stupid. We also learned that Grig would be a good partner to have if you ever play charades. That zipper mouth move was spot on.

Summary

Yes, having robot coworkers will take some getting used to. So have fun, learn from them, and don’t be intimidated. Most importantly, find a safe space in your office for when Grig eventually malfunctions  and tries to kill half of the employees on your floor with his special laser beam eyes.