Being a Feminist and Dating: It Shouldn’t Be So Hard (But It Is)

You’ll remember my friend Sam, from my online dating article where I shared what he told me was the missing piece of my online dating puzzle. Namely, “men don’t wanna talk to you online, they only want to meet you.” That was a bombshell dropped on me. It was like that episode of Sex in The City where Carrie’s boyfriend, Berger, tells Miranda “he’s just not that into you,” and her whole world changes in an instant!

Well, Sam dropped this second bombshell on me yesterday and I have some mixed emotions about it. He said, “Women do not really want equality and men do not really want an independent woman.” Sam says, “if women really want equality then they must understand that professional equality directly informs social equality. Basically, men are much less likely to treat with kids gloves that which he now views as equal.”

Sam isn’t claiming that this is just. But he does feel that when men no longer feel the need to provide for those around them, due to the independence of those around him, men tend to not feel the urge to nurture those around him socially. Be it right or wrong, the closer we get to being equal to men professionally, the less likely they will feel the urge to treat us as “princesses”.

Sam is one of my dearest friends, but I think he’s full of shit on this one.

Contrary to what it sounds like, Sam considers himself a feminist, but I think because he’s a guy, he wants to see things in cut and dry, purely black and white terms. He doesn’t really get my point of view just yet. He thinks independent women like me just want to have “our cake and to eat it to.” Well yea – what’s wrong with that? Ask yourself, who just wants to “look” at cake?!

But if you ask me, it’s really not having our cake and eating it too. One has little to do with the other.

There are some serious misconceptions as to what an independent woman really is and as to what she wants, and what feminism actually is.

I, for example, am the perfect mix of feminism and old fashioned values. My ivy league engineering school education and independence certainly doesn’t mean I don’t love for a guy to open doors for me. The fact that I can and do pay my own bills doesn’t mean I don’t also love it when a guy makes the dinner plans. However, I do draw the line at him telling me what to eat.

I think Sam’s view is rather simplistic and foolish. Unfortunately, he’s not alone in his thinking.

After this talk, I met a man while having lunch with a girlfriend of mine. He found me intelligent, witty, charming, and warm – a rarity in LA.  I found him to be well-dressed, well-groomed, charismatic, smart, and outgoing. He found a clever way to ask for my number and called me later that evening. During the conversation, I told him about the discussion I had with Sam and this article, and he said, “He’s right.”

He began to tell me what he expects when he comes home from working all day, sometimes at 1am. He thinks his wife should ask him,

“Honey, did you eat, and would you like me to fix you a plate?”

So I asked him, what if she’s been working all day too? What if when you come home, she’s still working at 1am, which creatives like myself are more than likely to do?”

“Still,” he said.

My heart sank. In my mind, all I could think was, “really dude? WHAT THE FUCK?” Literally all the attraction I had toward him died in that moment.

Still, I probed a little further just to be sure this guy was the Neanderthal asshole he was appearing to be. I said, “What equality means to me is equal pay for an equal job done well.” He was silent.

I said, “Ok, let me ask you this – you and I are doing the same job. We both do it well, but you get paid about 25 – 40% more than I; just because you’re a man. He didn’t have a problem with that. So I asked him this “What if I am your wife” – Yes, I went there – “and I do the same job as some guy in my office, and he gets paid more than I do. What then?” He said he would have “a serious problem with that.”

Oh My Fuckin god. I said, “So when it directly benefits you then you are all for equality. I call BULLSHIT.”

Feminism is a range of political movements, ideologies, and social movements that share a common goal: to define, establish, and achieve political, economic, personal, and social rights for women. We are seeking to establish educational and professional opportunities for women that are equal to such opportunities for men.

Equality means equal pay for an equal job done well. It means me not needing a husband or my father to cosign a loan for me just because I’m female. It means if I work just as hard or harder than any man, I too can be CEO and yes, even President of these United States.
And guess what fellas? We earned that shit!

“During World War II, 350,000+ women served in the U.S. Armed Forces, both at home and abroad. Between 1940 and 1945, the female percentage of the U.S. workforce increased from 27 percent to nearly 37 percent, and by 1945 nearly one out of every four married women worked outside the home,” and still took care of household responsibilities and raising children.

“In movies, newspapers, posters, photographs, articles and even a Norman Rockwell-painted Saturday Evening Post cover, the Rosie the Riveter campaign stressed the patriotic need for women to enter the workforce—and they did, in huge numbers. Though women were crucial to the war effort, their pay continued to lag far behind their male counterparts: Female workers rarely earned more than 50 percent of male wages.” (Source)

World War II would not have been won if when our country called we just said, “No thanks. I’m just going to stay home and watch TV.” When our country needed us, we answered the fuckin call, learned new skills, and held this country’s economy together for less pay and no complaints.

So excuse me if I say a less than polite Fuck You to those who still in 2017 want to withhold rights we more than earned.

Now let’s talk about that other part. “Men don’t really want an independent woman”.

I scarcely know where, to begin with that shit. What are you afraid of?

Afraid she will make more money than you?

So what. If you treat her well, she’d gladly spend it with you.

Afraid your friends will make fun of you if they knew?

Fine. Most of us would let you “save face” and not tell anyone if you ask nicely. You see, if we love you, we want to protect your precious pride, because we know you need that shit.

As you can guess, I’m certainly not dating that guy. As for Sam, he’s forgotten one important other thing he told me, “Men will do only as much as they have to, no more.” So basically ladies, we have all the power we need and it’s up to us to set the standard for what is required of the men who want to date us.

I will tell you this. If a man does not respect and honor my independence AND pull out my chair for me at dinner or open the door for me, that is not a man I will be dating, much less marrying. If our independence and desire for professional equality render chivalry DOA in our personal lives, then I say ladies, we can make sure nobody is getting laid ever again. I bet things would change extremely quickly then!

 

 

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Jessi Jordan is a dog lover, cat lover, cheeseburger & pizza lover, optimistic multi-potentialite originally from New York City spending her LA days as a Freelance Writer/Photographer/Content Creator waiting to hear from Adele that she is ready to duet with her. She is constantly trying to cure her obsession with run-on sentences.

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