My parents raised me to be one of the most caring people on the planet. They raised me to be a nurturer and to care about the feelings of every person I encounter. From a very young age I perfected the skill of anticipating the needs, wishes, and desires of my boyfriends, siblings, friends, and family— and it was fuckin exhausting.

While I believe my parents intentions were good; they simply wanted to make sure that they were raising a well-rounded, well liked, and well respected young woman, and not a bratty little psychopath, I feel on some level they did me a great disservice. They didn’t teach me how to care for myself as well as I did other people. They did not teach me how to give to others without giving every part of myself away. I don’t blame them. They can only teach what they know. I constantly watch my mother give herself away to everyone around her, and I’m often her sounding board and confidant when she’s reached her emotional breaking point.

A few years ago I decided to make a change. I decided I would no longer give myself away, piece by piece. It was a good decision, but it wasn’t easy. When you’re in the habit of giving yourself away to others, those others come to expect that behavior from you constantly, and when you attempt to make a change, you are met with great opposition, and often, anger.

When you are a sensitive person or an empath, having someone angry at you feels unreasonably upsetting. You feel guilty. Your mind wants to give in just so you can feel better. You reason with yourself that if you just do what they want, it will be quicker and easier than enduring the discomfort of their upset. Their upset feels to you like standing in the sun in the summer, sans sunblock for five hundred hours.

It took me several years of constant practice to get to the point where I feel like I can help my fellow sensitive ones learn how to care and still not give a fuck. So here are my tips, which I hope offer you much needed relief, comfort, and solace as you go forth on your own human journey.

1. Define self love for yourself.

Self-love is a relatively new topic a lot of blogs and magazines write about. You cannot scroll through your Instagram feed without seeing someone’s post about it. But do we even truly know what it means? If we listen to magazines, it often involves a hot bath and an ad for some kind of new fragrance, leg shaving cream, or body lotion. And while all of those things are nice and have their place, each of us must define what real self-love is in more concrete terms.

For me, self-love meant saying no to people who took more than they gave. It meant walking away from toxic friendships, no matter how long we’ve known each other. It also meant not forming new ones. Sometimes it’s hard to let go. Sometimes you will feel lonely, but it’s worth it to have 100% of you.

2. When to say fuck you

Sometimes in life, simply walking away accomplishes the self-love you need. And sometimes you need a little extra Oomph to make it stick. I’ve had people in my life who say they mean well, but their actions didn’t align with what they said. When asked to change, they never do. I have decided that good intentions don’t count for shit. Your actions and words must be completely congruent for you to play in my world, and I won’t accept anything less.

It’s amazing to me how many people put up with people who are unkind. Kind Friends, if we stop putting up with that shit, the world will be a much better place. I promise you. Demand that people who claim to love you or want to be your friend raise their standards. We owe it to ourselves.

3. When to say fuck No aka No piggy back rides.

I can’t take credit for this one. I stole it from YouTuber Superwoman, Lily Singh, who is for all intents and purposes my spirit animal.

In her book, “How to be a Bawse,” Lily discusses how to deal with people who are your friends and want your “help” with their projects or their careers. Lilly is very successful, so it’s no surprise people around her want to benefit from her success. People are constantly asking her to share their videos with her 11 million subscribers. Lilly has a simple way of dealing with that. She says, no. Now this may seem mean on the surface, but she explains that you really don’t do your friend any service by giving them the elevator to success when you yourself took the stairs.  I’m relieved that Lilly addressed this in her book. I’m not nearly as successful as she is, but one day I may be, and now I know how to handle it, and you do too .

4. Dealing with the guilt and judgment

After you’ve drawn the line and you’ve made your boundaries clear, you will undoubtedly encounter people who will make you feel guilty or judge you for your choices. For a sensitive person this can be hard. But stay strong my friend. Understand that guilt is a useless emotion designed to manipulate your behavior. Understand that judgment is often unwarranted.

Instead of dwelling in those unproductive feelings, reassure yourself that you’ve made the right choice. Go for a walk, take that bath, watch your favorite show or movie, and just say fuck it.

That’s what I’m gonna do, because somebody somewhere is going to be mad at me about this article. Guess what?

I already don’t care.

I’m self loving over here!

Support Jessi’s writing on our site by subscribing to our newsletter on this link, Subscribe here!

---

Jessi Jordan is a dog lover, cat lover, cheeseburger & pizza lover, optimistic multi-potentialite originally from New York City spending her LA days as a Freelance Writer/Photographer/Content Creator waiting to hear from Adele that she is ready to duet with her. She is constantly trying to cure her obsession with run-on sentences.

Follow her on:

INSTAGRAM: http://www.instagram.com/jessijordanstar
SNAPCHAT: https://www.snapchat.com/add/jessijordanstar
TWITTER: http://www.twitter.com/jessijordantv

I remember when I lost my first job. It was due to downsizing. I was frightened, but at the same time I was relieved. I was a good executive assistant, but it wasn’t my passion. It was a job to pay bills and keep a roof over my head in NYC, and baby, that ain’t cheap. I was offered a one month severance package, which included salary for a month, and health care till the end of the year. Don’t get excited. It was December.

Once that was done, I could apply and receive an unemployment check to cover some expenses until I found a new job. I heard somewhere, I think it was from Oprah actually, that one should celebrate when something financially and potentially life decimating happens. I remember Oprah telling the story of some blonde lady who popped open a bottle of expensive champagne to celebrate the loss of her husband’s job, and several months later they got rich or something. I don’t really remember the exact details, but the general idea of that story stayed with me.

I decided to try it, and I sipped on sparkling apple cider.( I know, I know. It’s not champagne, but it’s still celebratory. I just lost my job, cut me some slack people. I’m being responsible here.)

I decided losing my job wasn’t a curse, but an opportunity to follow my heart and try freelancing as a music producer, writer, and photographer; three things I love, and damn it, I know I’m pretty good at. It was time for me to try to actually make a living at it.

I made the mistake of telling my sister, thinking I could confide in her and gain some moral support, but instead, she unleashed a world of judgment on me I didn’t expect. She said, “unemployment is like welfare.” Her point of view was that I should rush out and get another executive assistant job right away.

I was shocked. “What the fuck did she just say to me?”

We argued. I said, “No, unemployment is not like welfare. I’ve paid into this money. I’ve been working since I was 15. I’ve earned this.”

I felt strongly that I had earned the right to choose a different direction for my career. “I’m not married and I don’t have children. If I don’t do it now I may never do it, and I just couldn’t live with that.”

I choose to pause. I just knew this was my fork in the road. One of many to come.

Her judgment wasn’t a new thing. I just didn’t expect it from her. She’s my little sister. Not that she ever looked up to me in the way some little sisters look up to their big sisters. We have a more “Marsha vs Jan Brady” thing going on. (Yea, It’s on Hulu! Enjoy)

But it hurt to have her looking down on me and talking down to …me. She was still in college and had not yet stepped into the real world. The real world of working a corporate job designed to eat tiny bits of your soul until you die of boredom; also known as dying of “natural causes.”

Her judgmental points of view weren’t really even her own. It’s a running theme in my family. You are only valued if you have a job. Being a freelancer doesn’t count. Building your own creative business doesn’t count.

As the black sheep of the family, I took the path less traveled. I stumbled along the way, but I’m not sorry I chose for me. I watched my aunt, who gave everything as an assistant at Lehman Brothers, lose everything. If she hadn’t still lived in my grandparents’ fully paid for house, she would have been homeless. She was luckier than most. Looking at that, I knew, even if I did take the road paved – the “so called” safe and secure road, even if I did everything that my family thought I should do, I could still end up with next to nothing. There are no guarantees in life!

Now, I’m still the girl that wasted all her potential in their eyes.

Never mind that my rent is twice their mortgages and I pay it, and all my bills, on time.

Never mind that I have published articles on super legit media outlets.

Never mind that I have music production credits published in billboard magazine.

Never mind I’ve interviewed Moby, met and hugged Will Smith and Kanye West, been hand fed by top chefs like Tyler Florence and  Elizabeth Faulkner.

Never mind that I’ve been interviewed on TV and featured in the NY Times about something I created.

Nothing I do matters. I don’t matter, because I don’t have an “actual job” with an office I go to daily.
When someone loses their job, they are met with sympathy, well wishes, prayers for blessings, and encouraging comments. When I’ve suffered a setback, I receive the “well you chose this life” attitude. No empathy whatsoever.

I’m not bitching. I’m merely pointing out the hypocrisy.

I used to try to get them to see a different point of view. I would remind them that companies like Amazon are built every day, by people like me who step out of the box and create something new, and then grow that into companies that then hire people like them, and how that is actually a good thing for our society. I ask them, “What about the Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerbergs, and Steve Jobs of the world?” They answer, “That’s them. That’s not you!”

My answer, “How the fuck would you know?” Steve Jobs was not “the Steve Jobs” in the minds of those who saw him sleeping illegally on his friends dorm sofa. I admire the fuck out of Steve Jobs, who lived his life on his own terms. And its a good thing too. He died so young, at just 56 years old. Steve did not die with his dreams still inside him. Neither will I.

I’ve learned to live with my family’s judgment, though it isn’t always easy to be an outsider in the one place you are supposed to feel safe and loved in the world. But I don’t regret my choices, because I wouldn’t trade my life for theirs.

I thrive off this sense of adventure and creativity. It is what makes me feel alive. It would be amazing if there weren’t people who really thought their way of life was the only way to live, but hey that’s life right? They have the freedom to judge and I have the freedom to not give a shit as I sip on my champagne that I can now afford… occasionally.

Support Jessi’s writing on our site by subscribing to our newsletter on this link, Subscribe here!

---

Jessi Jordan is a dog lover, cat lover, cheeseburger & pizza lover, optimistic multi-potentialite originally from New York City spending her LA days as a Freelance Writer/Photographer/Content Creator waiting to hear from Adele that she is ready to duet with her. She is constantly trying to cure her obsession with run-on sentences.

Follow her on:

INSTAGRAM: http://www.instagram.com/jessijordanstar
SNAPCHAT: https://www.snapchat.com/add/jessijordanstar
TWITTER: http://www.twitter.com/jessijordantv