Image by Cheryl (license CC BY-SA 2.0)
Cat Cafe Owner
People suck. Everyone knows this. We’re all assholes. All of us. Cats are not assholes. Well maybe they are, but at least they’re fluffy and loveable assholes who can be picked up and carried around. If you want to own a cat cafe all you have to do is fill out a bunch of forms, then look after a bunch of cats. How much simpler could it be? People literally pay you to spend time with cats. Instead of going to a cafe with shitty people, you go and hang out with CATS! It’s like a dream come true. It’s a real job too. Imagine if you got paid to be a crazy cat lady. Oh my, God. I can’t even deal with this right now. It’s such a fucking awesome idea. I love it. I want to do it. I don’t want a proper job. I want to open my house to fellow cat-lovers!
Anything In The Marijuana Industry
A few days ago I wandered into the offices of Hmbldt, a new company that is aiming to bring the therapeutic nature of cannabis to a huge audience. As an advocate of legalization, and as both a social and chemical scientist on the benefits of marijuana, I say “well done,” to Hmbldt. Their offices are super plush and full of fun stuff like candy and sugary drinks. The location is amazing, and they have a roof terrace. I mean, it’s fucking legit. I also have another friend who works in the farming process of cannabis cultivation, and the money she makes is insane. Serious green. (HA!)
Model
I did this for a while and yes, it is work. You have to stand and prance around and look pretty all the time whilst being critiqued by bitchy men and horse-faced women. As a profession, it is an intense emotional drain. However, it definitely beats the hell out of working in an office. If I could do any job full-time, it would be modeling. HOWEVER, this position is not conducive to the emotionally stable, the short, or foodies.
The pros of modeling (when done to a successful level) include:
- Free stuff
- Travel
- People avoiding you because of your daunting beauty
- Lots of money
- Getting to be outside when the weather is nice (mostly)
- Being inside when the weather is shit (mostly)
- Dating Leonardo DiCaprio
- Dating Russian millionaires
- Donald Trump will illegally traffic you into the United States and hide you in a basement
Travel Writer
Again, this only works if you’re high up with a big national or international publication. If you’re a writer all the way into the depths of your soul, then this job is guaranteed to never feel like work. In my heart, I think I am a travel writer above most else. I started out in travel writing when I was a lot younger, having my first pieces published by Guardian Travel when I was in my first years of high school. However, this has dwindled into copy, editorial roles, and political writing in recent months. Oh well, one day I’ll get to brag about all of the really fucking awesome places I’ve been. If not, then I’ll just marry rich, which leads me on to…
“I think screaming abuse at overweight people as they run up a hill sounds fairly idyllic.”
Gold Digger
THIS IS A JOB. I don’t think anyone quite appreciates the effort that goes into perfecting your career in gold-digging. Your morning regime must see you remove all hair from the eyebrows down. You simply must blow-dry your hair into the most bouffant style possible, whilst ensuring that you are perpetually pouting as you do so. Then, you have to organize the entirety of the household staff to make sure your husband comes home to perfection. A good Gold Digger knows that no matter what, your husband must be obsessed with you. If he’s not constantly yearning to put himself inside you, then you run the risk of losing everything you’ve worked for to a younger, blonder model. As a rule of thumb, a Gold Digger must be willing to do the following:
- Never ever wear underwear again
- Spend time with your other Gold Digger friends (because no normal wives will respect you enough to be a true friend)
- Shop ALL DAY in the most uncomfortable shoes
- Put out in any situation
- Hide your affair with the pool boy just on the right side of dangerous
- Keep your husband on his toes by erupting over nothing at any given moment
- Always look good in a bikini; don’t bother continuing to breathe if you can’t pull this off
- Deal with the agony of acrylic nails (you’ll need them for fighting off younger bitches who try to get it on with your sugar daddy)
Overall, being a Gold Digger is probably the easiest job on this list, but does require a certain level of psycho to maintain.
Animal Babysitter
This is NOT the same as owning a cat cafe. It is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. In this situation, there are zero humans involved, unless you decide to converse with the animal’s owners. The ideal method for maintaining this position is to ensure that no animals die under your guardianship, and that you like spending time in your front yard and/or kitchen area. The perks of this job include being loved up on all day, every day, by various dogs (and sometimes cats, when their owners go on vacation), and not having to deal with human beings. You are your own boss and what you say goes… and what you say is ‘sit,’ ‘fetch,’ or ‘something in a baby voice’.
Someone Who Makes Fat People Hike
Most people who don’t want to work, want to be outside. At least that’s the way it is for me. Despite the fact I love my work, I would still rather be outside. Had I been born in this wonderful country, or if my visa allowed it, I think screaming abuse at overweight people as they run up a hill sounds fairly idyllic. Imagine this for a moment:
People paying you to yell at them whilst you take a lovely amble through the countryside.
Sign me up!
Kay Smythe, The British Bitch in America.
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