Archives for January 2017

To:craigslist 5004889444 <c8nvf-5004889444@job.craigslist.org>

I take boner pills. I know those are considered drugs. Can I still apply? My resume is impeccable.

To:job applicant  <c8nvf-5004889444@job.craigslist.org>

Yes. Please submit your resume and salary history via email.

To:craigslist 5004889444 <c8nvf-5004889444@job.craigslist.org>

I think it’s only the right thing to do to let you know I have a rather large penis. I have trouble finding pants that hide its contours, and people often mistake my normal penis size for a throbbing erection. This obviously causes problems in that I don’t in fact have an erection most times.  And trust me, you don’t want to see me at erection size. It’s like carrying a spare tire in my pants, but a good spare tire. A thick meaty one. Not one of those skinny ones that barely gets you there. You know what I mean. Anyway, the real reason I bring it up is that in tight spaces, I may lightly brush up against a co-worker or customer, and even though it does give me some amount of physical tactile pleasure, it doesn’t usually result in erectile growth. However, it can result in a slight tingling which sometimes lead to the start of an erection. This will look like those old firework snakes that start rather small but when lit get progressively bigger. It’s fun to watch. I actually have used the novelty as a party trick. However, and I think you’ll agree, it is not appropriate to do that purposely at the work place, and I never intend to. Anyway, I bring it up, not because I like to talk about my girthy and rather elongated normal penis size, but because I simply value peace at work, and don’t want any jealous co-workers to make things difficult for me. So, sorry for the rather long explanation, but I like to get it out of the way. What can I say, I have a big penis. It is a spectacle to see, but trust me, it’s no picnic when you get open mouthed stares like I get when I go to the urinal at sporting events. So I look forward to interviewing with your company. God bless.

 

*Getting a hiring manager to notice your cover requires skill and ingenuity. That’s why you should throw in a curse word occasionally. It keeps your letter lively, and separates you from the rest of the pack as an outside the box kind of thinker.*

 

To:craigslist 5004889444 <c8nvf-5004889444@job.craigslist.org>

I have a long and successful history working with top managers and making their days easier as their aide. However, I drink a lot of coffee, and that has resulted in some horrible putrid gas emanating from me. I can usually hold it in for an hour or two until I hit the john. However, sometimes a little squeaker makes it out. I have to be honest, those little squeakers really pack a punch. It’s probably because they’ve been brewing in my belly for a while, but whatever the reason, you’ll want to stay far away from me for about five minutes. I have references too. For the job, not for my awful gas. So, please let me know what you need to get the ball rolling.

To:craigslist 5004889444 <c8nvf-5004889444@job.craigslist.org>
I can clean like a fucking whiz. I was born for this job. Just kidding. That would fucking suck wouldn’t it? Seriously though, please hire me.

Ted Kazinskers

This letter was sent the day there were massive fires around San Diego County.  The ad itself promised all sorts of easy commission for energetic sales people.  Occasionally, I would throw in a curse word in the middle of what seemed like a professional letter just to see how desperate they were for candidates for the job.

To:craigslist 5004889444 <c8nvf-5004889444@job.craigslist.org>

I have a lot of experience closing deals through cold calling and utilizing a database of local businesses. I’m a fucking closer. Plain and simple. I was one of the top salespeople at Verizon Wireless Corporate Accounts Division and won the Century Mark Award selling insurance for State Farm. I am available to interview now, and look forward to hearing back from you.

Carter Milstub

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To: job applicant: craigslist 5004889444 <c8nvf-5004889444@job.craigslist.org>

Carter,

Are you available on Thursday for an in person interview — I am very interested in speaking with you, I need a strong team player who can close.

Email back your phone number, and what area in SD you are located in —
and I will call you this morning after 11:00, I have a 10:00 meeting that is just starting………….. I can meet you on Thursday near where you live, or you can come to the office around 1:00 PM —

Thanks,

Fred

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To:craigslist 5004889444 <c8nvf-5004889444@job.craigslist.org>

I just got a call for an interview with Geico, but I think I’ll be available from 2-5. I’m really fucking excited to talk to you. I love outside sales. It’s really the one job where if you excel you can make a shitload of money for yourself and the company. I’m in Rancho Santa Fe. My phone number is 555-555-5582. If you can pinpoint a time you can call, I’ll free myself up.

Carter Milstub

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To: job applicant: craigslist 5004889444 <c8nvf-5004889444@job.craigslist.org>

I will call exactly at 11:00 AM this morning.  You sound too talented for Geico, let’s discuss the big deals available out there which sound like your target market.

–Fred

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To:craigslist 5004889444 <c8nvf-5004889444@job.craigslist.org>

Thanks Fred. I’m not available until 2 at the earliest. I would cancel with Geico, but I already committed, and it’s bad form. I’m good at what I do because I have fucking ethics and don’t tolerate bullshit. My clients know I’ll go to bat for them. Let me know if 2pm works.

Carter Milstub

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To: job applicant: craigslist 5004889444 <c8nvf-5004889444@job.craigslist.org>

Hi — Just read your email, its 11:00 —  yes, go to Geico I agree.   I can call you at 2:00, but I would like to meet you in person Thurs.   I will be in the N. County around 11:00 on Thursday, I could meet you at a Starbucks ?   If you are interested in building over the next year to two years, into the 200K to 500K yearly income bracket, I need strong closers.   This takes time obviously, but the N. County is a tremendous untapped market for our products.

Let me know what you want to do.

Fred

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To:craigslist 5004889444 <c8nvf-5004889444@job.craigslist.org>

Wow- that was a waste of my fucking time. Brutal. Just brutal. Geico is looking for meatheads who don’t know jack shit about the business. Fuck that shit. I’m sorry I went now. I have too much experience and knowledge to waste it with an organization that isn’t on top of it.

200 to 500k is exactly the kind of money I expect to make as a number one closer. Where in North County you will be? I’ll be available tomorrow, and free to talk to today at 3pm if you want. I’m excited to hear more about the job, and feel this might be the perfect fit for me.

Carter Milstub

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When I didn’t hear back in a timely manner from Fred, I figured he had enough.

To:craigslist 5004889444 <c8nvf-5004889444@job.craigslist.org>

Fred, I have not heard back from you. I would still like to meet. I am free all day today and tomorrow. Let me know.

Carter Milstub

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To: job applicant: craigslist 5004889444 <c8nvf-5004889444@job.craigslist.org>

Let me call you in a hour, fires causing an issue.

Sent from my iPhone

To:craigslist 5004889444 <c8nvf-5004889444@job.craigslist.org>

I like to wear baby diapers, and walk around with a rattle in my mouth. I can also type 90 wpm.